Grieving The Loss Of A Beloved Pet

Grief is love looking for a home — It’s been five days since my wife and I lost our Mr. Emerson the Balinese cat. He was thirteen. He left us sudden and traumatically at the ER in the early morning hours of June 19, 2022 from heart failure (he had a moderate amount of fluid in his lungs and around heart they said). On Saturday the 18th I called multiple vets to try and make an appointment because he had gotten skinnier and the two evenings before we noticed “labored breathing” which is of immediate concern. All of the vets were booked until the next week. The next 24 hours were shocking and traumatic taking him to the ER. I’ve decided not to recollect those moments before because playing out every scenario in your head will be a part of the grieving process.

The first two days after the sudden realization that he was gone was by far the hardest experience — belly over bursts of crying as our brains could not process his absence. We adopted Emerson when he was around one year old. December 13 was the day we picked him up and I held his hand in the backseat as we brought him back to our Virginia apartment in light snow. He was a teddy bear of a guy, originally named “Foundy” and “Blue Eyes” and then E-MER-SON in reference to him being a Balinese “meezer” cat from the Siamese Rescue. He was so curious about any door that was closed. He had to know what was beyond. We played with his feathered boa — I’d slowly drag it around a corner and he would rev up his hind legs, ready to run at it, which he did. He’d fall over and grab it then jump straight up into the air, his arms and legs like springs, catching serious air like he was on a trampoline.

He rode across the entire United States from Virginia to Venice, California in 2015 and became a west coast kitty. I was an editor, and being at the computer all day he was always around watching me, providing comfort and peace. He would sit on my guitar cases before a show, he would walk over my video gear before I’d go out to film and he’d be there as I edited. He relished in the sunshine like it had a smell. He would fall over and ask for brushes on his belly. He was wise beyond the stars and knew when it was bedtime and time to wake up with our morning routines. I was personally battling a deep depression from 2017 through right before his passing in 2022. He was there with us in our tiny one bedroom apartment throughout the pandemic in 2020. Our silent bond and routines with him are shattered after a beautiful twelve years with his endless pure love that he gave and we returned.

I would not have been able to get through this process without the love and support from close friends and family that understand what pet loss is like. They gave us space to express our feelings and returned with just the right words at the right time. Don’t let your employer or anyone dim your grief in anyway and if they do, and there will be those who do, just shake it off- after you tell them to “fuck off” in your own head. You need to take all the time you need to process and recover. Five days later I am finally at a place where I can sit and write my thoughts without crying out his memories. There will be little memories that only you will have that you will need to cry out and there will be many of those little moments that only you will understand. The pure love bond that you have with an animal is a life altering experience. My bud Emerson the balinese cat changed me as a person upon his death. My wife and I were physically hurting after it, our stomachs in knots, legs weak, bags under our eyes, burning in our eyes from all the crying, loss of appetite. After your mind goes through every possible scenario of “what ifs” we finally came to peace with knowing we did everything we could for him and he knew that as well, even through the traumatic moments handing him off to the ER without ever being able to see him or the doctor as all our communication was via phone with the doctor.

I couldn’t bear to witness him dead after the call that he had passed, as we waited through the night in our car — moments before we had in our heads we were bringing him home after hearing the doctors plan that they could remove the fluid. The next call shortly after, telling us that he passed during the procedure.

NEVER leave your pet at the hospital when they die. Take them with you and properly say goodbye if you have the chance. I am so grateful to my wife for bringing him home and not leaving him there especially under the chaotic circumstances with rushing him there and not seeing him.

Just as I had held his hand on the car ride home from adopting him, my wife held his hand as I drove to the ER. He let out a tiny exhausted last meow that I can remember on the ride to the ER and now I know that was him saying “thank you” and not “goodbye”.

In two of my worst moments of grief, I cried out for a sign that he was okay. The first — I looked out the window and there was a squirrel in the telephone wires. He was belly down on a horizontal piece of wood and rested just like Emerson. His body and tail mimicking Emerson in the exact way he would lay, adjust and even scratch. I sat there and it brought me peace.

The second — I was having a panic attack on the bed from crying, my wife by my side. I thought I was going to die and go through a heart failure just like Emerson… and he told me I couldn’t die right now because I could not put my wife through any more grief. I was burning up and sat in the tub with a cold shower over me, trying my best to focus on my breath and relax. I prayed again for him to let me know he was okay. Thoughts of getting his paw tattooed on me and visions of a bald man with a beard came… When I came out of the shower to my surprise my wife said she got a sign. She was putting some of his things in the above closet space where we would hoist him up for his nap. It was too high for him to reach on his own, but he enjoyed telling us when he wanted to go up and also would scratch on the door when it was time to come down. The latch was closed before she put his things in there. When she went to close the door it wouldn’t close. The door now cannot close properly and I believe he’s still poking his little head out.

The cat grass I planted the day before he died for him has sprouted and on the top of each little blade of grass there are tiny water droplets perched on every tip. I am reminded that for every blade of grass with a droplet is a memory and a tear that we’ve cried. Emerson was not “just a cat” He was pure love in its highest form.

On March 26, 2010 around the time when we first got him, I had a dream that I wrote down immediately the next morning. I called it “The Adventures of Emerson the Balinese Cat”. Not realizing at the time what I had just written, I now know that it was his message to this world. He delivered me a message when we first got him even though I didn’t fully understand what it meant at the time. I will honor his message by sharing his story and the profound impact he had on my life and all those who met him that were brushed with his pure love.

Words of wisdom from dear friends…

“People who downplay the immensity of grief you have to face with a loss like that will never understand what it means to have a connection like you had.” - Sean

“Emerson wants you to remember the good times and use it to help with any demons you are facing. He provided support and will still provide support based on all the lasting memories. The harder the grief only means how much you loved.” - Jeremy

(“Ain’t no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too”) - “The Wire” - Bubbles

“I know that you had a very special bond with him and have experienced so much with him by your side. You know that he is in a better place. Emerson will always be watching over you wherever you go! Do not stop living your life to the fullest… it’s what he would want for you.” - Justin

“You know he’s waiting for you to carry the little bit of himself he left imprinted on your soul so he can see the world through your eyes. He loves you brother, for keeping him close forever he will forever love you back. It’s hard losing a pet. You spend your whole relationship without speaking — only feeling. Once that connection breaks it’s really hard to overcome. Life is so hard when you are reminded how fragile it is”. - Matt

“He’s with you right now, not in his body but I promise you he is right there with you, happy that he can move so freely out of that body. Don’t hide from your heart, open it and turn to gratitude. He’s literally next to you and all around out of his body. Don’t worry he went right for you once out of his body and hasn’t left your side. Cats are half way across already man, he’s right there. Fill heart with gratitude and he will always have a place until you meet again in form”. — Jordan

“You’ll start to see signs — he’s communicating to you. That all is good and he’s at peace.” - Mark

“Just don’t let anyone diminish how you feel. They are like our children, except much cuter and much sweeter than little kids. If there’s any silver lining in this devastating loss, let it be that you’re going to focus on what makes YOU happy. Take this as a reminder that life is precious and prioritize the things in life that are truly meaningful to you. It’s all bullshit, buddy. Live a life that makes you happy.” - Aly

“Mr. Emerson had the reincarnated soul of a yogi. All pets are different but the responsibility and care you give an animal, they give you so much back. There will never be another Mr. Emerson but just know that when you get to the point where you are in a situation to care for another animal, it will be a special soul that was brought into your life to enrich you as much as he did.” - Alan